Disappointing!...Well, wait let me process that.

Why does it feel so bad to disappoint ourselves?.....And why don't we remember that feeling before we act selfishly on our own behalf.

I have become more and more in love with Melanie over the last few years and truly even more in the last few weeks. So much of that has been inspired by the devotion she has showed to me even in the hardest circumstances. But lately we have been relating on a different level very well. COMMUNICATION of all things! Melanie is able tell me not only what she is thinking but how she processes things. That is a huge deal! I learned that what I thought was the silent treatment, was really her process of thinking about what is going through her mind and separating truth from the lies BEFORE it comes out of her mouth. BRILLIANT!

I am a novice at processing to say the least but I do feel that I am working, and getting better at it. I grew up being good at talking my way out of things, or so I thought. But the last few days I have learned that I would try to talk my way out of things because I basically refused to process anything. I would deflect responsibility of anything that would make me believe the lie- that out of my poor choice I then had less value in the eyes of anyone around me or in my own eyes.

Here is what I learned out of the last time that I disappointed myself. The series of events that led me down the path of acting selfishly started the night before and had nothing to do with Melanie. I tried to make myself look good in the eyes of others and then when it blew up on me, I projected my own disappointment in myself on her. The fact is that I am learning that processing my individual thoughts and actions is very important not only for myself in that moment, but also for those around me in the moments to come.